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I've forgotten the value of a good notebook.  I need to get one.  One that I can write in using a lead pencil and my hand.  I don't want to forgive my mother.  She's hurt me too many times.  And each time it seems it was less warranted than the last.  Does not wanting to talk about it mean that she knows she was wrong?  Or does it just mean she doesn't want to talk about it?  I feel like a failure.  Like I've failed myself and now my dreams are unreachable.  I will not allow myself to be adequate.  I must be exceptional, or maybe extreme.  Extremely fucked up works for me, if that's all I can be.  Exceptionally normal will NOT do.