Oh fuck it all. All my beliefs, all my...everything. The girl I met at the hospital called me Sunday and thanked me for the box I made her and the letter. She wants me to call her back. She's leaving Wednesday for an Eating Disorder Program in Arizona. That means I have to call her tomorrow (Tuesday) otherwise I'll lose her forever. And I can't let that happen again. I've lost too many people by not taking the last chance. Besides, I think it will hurt her just as much as I'll hurt myself by not calling. I need to talk it through with someone first because all I can think about right now is about the first two minutes of the conversation. I'm sorry she has to go through this. But I can't say that to her. I'm not sure if I can handle a friendship with someone who I'll never get to see.
Just maybe write letters to, that's all. We barely talked when we were neighbors--our doors were no more than 5 feet from each other--and I was trying harder than I ever have to keep in touch so that when one of us left, we had something to fall back on. At least when I left, I knew I would see her because I lent her a book which she promised to return. I wasn't worried and knew she'd return it eventually. That was the part of me I left with her and when she did return it we talked for a short amount of time but it made me more confident that I could write her or call her. Anyhow, I'm confusing myself. And that doesn't happen very often so I wouldn't be surprised if you were as confused as I am. I'm tired but I'm afraid to fall asleep. Sleeping makes me even more tired than if I don't sleep. If I don't sleep, I am so wired I feel like whacking myself over the head with a baseball bat just to make myself calm down. It's a good feeling though. One I try to never let go of. I hate the constant feeling of needing to yawn and wanting to sleep so badly. Hang on, I need something to drink or eat, anything...hm. Not good. Cold drink cold food and I'm already freezing. I'm so scared that I won't get the Borders job but I'm even more afraid that I'll get it. What if I do something wrong? What if I'm not comfortable in what I'm wearing? What if it takes me too long to learn something? What if?! I can't wait to go to therapy today. I just feel so overwhelmed I feel I need to talk to someone who is grounded and reassuring. Then maybe it won't be so hard to make that call tomorrow. My last chance.
