I have a secret to share with all of you. You've been so loyal and I just can't bare to keep it from you any longer. I read a website today for the first time about someone with an ed and my heart sunk. I believed I knew something about her when really I knew nothing. She is brilliant. She also has a heart larger than any I have ever seen before. I am baring my soul to you and if you know me I ask that you please, please show only your support. I do not have the strength to take anything less. I have anorexia. To the bare bones of it--In the past year, I've lost 40 pounds, and no one seems to have noticed.
I have this vision of perfection. And I, the perfectionist, will do anything to look that way. Anything. I don't want Dr. H. to know, I still fear that man like I fear life. He asked me today if I was going to kill anyone. "Do you have any sexual problems?" Of course he was filling out a form but my god. I felt like it was the bad Thursday again. He should know better than to ask me things like that. I lie to him at every chance I get. I'd never tell him the whole truth, not even half the truth. You see, I don't have trust in anyone. I have trust in my therapist but that doesn't mean I tell her everything. I tell her what I want her to know. If I didn't go in there with her knowing that I had been cutting, I wouldn't have told her because I didn't want to stop. Just like now, I don't want to START eating again. So I didn't tell her. I wake up every morning and until recently, I couldn't look myself in the face. If I were smiling, I'd have to look away from any mirrors. I can't stand to see myself happy. It just doesn't fit me. I haven't been happy for years. Well, I'd better find something better to do. Now that I'm out of school (I'm taking a leave of absence) I need to find things to fill my time. Got any suggestions?
