My mother told me last week that I have to start paying for part of my therapy. For the past week it’s been all I can think about. I’d been trying to figure out how to ask my dad, via email, how this decision came about, if it was permanent, and if they weren’t wanting to pay for my therapy at all anymore…Needless to day, the implications were great. I don’t have two incomes like my sister. Just the prospect of having a mortgage on a single income is terrifying. I don’t live in Nebraska, I live in Los Angeles, where housing prices are almost ten times greater. A simple one bedroom condominium in a relatively safe neighborhood is around $200,000. I could buy TWO single family homes for that in Nebraska. I just don’t make enough to take on additional expenses, especially the $225 a month I’ve just been left with.
When I received a response from my dad I almost cried. This was permanent, and then he felt the need to tell me how old I am, like I don’t already know, like that changes anything. I feel like the world is ending. I feel like all the air has been sucked out of the room, like I’m living in a vacuum. Maybe coming up with a budget and knowing I make enough money to do this would help, but just the thought of trying to make a budget makes me feel like the walls are closing in. I feel like there’s no way out.
I also know that although some fear and apprehension is warranted, the extent of my fear is a bit irrational. I know this, but knowing it doesn’t help. I’m trying to drown myself in mindless activities – games, tv, etc. – but I’m not sure it’s working. I can only do that so many hours per day. I do have to work and sleep and go to the dentist (ugh…the world is against me…).
To add to the chaos, I found out last month that I’m allergic to soy and citric acid, which means I pretty much can’t eat ANYTHING I usually eat or use any of the hair or skin care products I’ve stocked up on. I LIVE off Diet Caffeine Free Coke and I can’t drink it. It makes the palms of my hands itch. It makes the soles of my FEET itch. It’s ridiculous. I can’t eat anything packaged, Lean Cuisine, Morning Star Chik’n Nuggets, Zone Bars, anything with Tomato Sauce, Orange Juice, Yogurt…I’m a vegetarian, I’m a picky eater (it’s mostly a texture issue), I have all these off-limits foods (left over from an eating disorder), and now I have allergies. All I have left is organic foods with no preservatives you can only find at stores like Trader Joe’s and Whole Foods, and I have to read EVERY label before I buy, a few fruits, and artichokes…the ONLY edible vegetable there is...I’m not allergic to something simple like strawberries, which are easy to avoid, but SOY and CITRIC ACID. You wouldn’t believe all the foods that contain soy and all the hair and skincare products that contain citric acid, unless you’ve actually had to avoid them. My skin gets red and blotchy then starts itching like crazy if I eat soy. I get very itchy skin and eventually hives with citric acid. Last weekend I had a craving for diet coke and I stupidly thought for a minute that there isn’t enough citric acid in some diet coke to effect me, so I bought some. And I was miserable. Hopefully I’ve learned my lesson. Diet Coke is like my cigarette. I’m used to always having one in my hand, and it’s hard to stop lol.
